How to Talk to Anyone by Leil Lowndes
What’s in it for me? Learn how to put your best foot forward and avoid putting your foot in your mouth!
Life is full of meetings, conversations, and presentations that many of us would prefer to avoid. However, as social beings, communication is an integral part of almost everything we do. Thus, it makes sense to strive to become better and more comfortable at talking to one another.
Leil Lowndes, the author, has dedicated her life's work to helping people become more effective communicators. She has observed people, studied research, and noted every little tic and habit that either causes them to stumble or excel in conversations. Over decades, she has released books filled with dos and don'ts designed to help people navigate the choppy waters of everyday communication.
So dive in and learn some of the basic – and some of the more advanced – techniques that can help you through a casual conversation or a stressful high-stakes meeting. You’ll be glad you did!
Key idea 1: First impressions matter, so remember to smile and use welcoming body language.
Let's not kid ourselves: first impressions are really important. When you meet someone for the first time, the way you look and act is seared into their brain and will influence any future interactions.
The first thing someone sees is your face, so this is where a good first impression begins. Did your mom ever tell you to always smile when you meet new people? While it might have been annoying at the time, she was right. A smile can significantly impact whether or not you win someone over.
However, people can spot a fake smile, so let the grin grow slowly to make it appear more genuine. Studies show that a natural-looking smile is even more important among women. In corporate environments, women who are slower to smile are considered more credible.
Avoid giving everyone in a group the same smile, as this can be off-putting. Try to vary your grin as you interact with different people.
Your eyes are also crucial in winning people over – it has been proven that establishing steady eye contact helps gain both respect and affection. If you want to improve a relationship, maintain eye contact even if the other person isn’t talking, and only break off that contact when necessary.
Now, with your face sorted out, let’s move on to body language, which significantly influences how you’re perceived by others. When greeting someone for the first time, do so as if they were an old friend. Along with a warm smile, turn your body fully toward them to show you're giving your undivided attention.
You can also avoid falling out of their good graces by not fidgeting – keep your hand gestures under control. It may sound odd, but studies show that touching your face while talking makes you seem less credible – so keep calm and keep your hands away from your face.
Key idea 2: Smooth introductions and familiar gestures lead to good conversations.
Before meeting someone for the first time, you might have anxious thoughts like “What if we don’t have anything in common?” or “What are we going to talk about?” Luckily, a smooth introduction can often get a good conversation going.
The easiest way to make that introduction happen is to request it from a mutual friend or the event host. Alternatively, you can ask a few questions about the person to find a way to start the conversation yourself. Finally, you can loiter near the person, listen in, and see if you find an opening to jump in.
A classic technique for getting others to come talk to you is to have an icebreaker, such as a vintage pocket watch or a one-of-a-kind purse. This opens the door for someone to ask, “Where did you get that?” and before you know it, you’re chatting like the best of friends.
If you’re the one hosting the meeting, you can make things easier by making introductions and including one or two interesting facts about each person. This way, everyone has a chance to ask a follow-up question and get the ball rolling.
Once introductions are made, focus on your demeanor. Pay close attention to how people are speaking and responding. Try to match their mood and tone of voice to keep everyone attentive and engaged. For instance, if they’re smiling and using animated gestures, do the same. Or, if the mood is somber and people are leaning back in their chairs, do your best to fit in.
When you spot your chance to enter a conversation, be confident in what you say and engage with a positive attitude. This is more important than the words you use, as long as you avoid rude or unpleasant comments, which could create a negative first impression.
Key idea 3: Master the art of small talk by opening conversational doors and keeping people talking.
You might think that small talk is inconsequential and a waste of time, but this is plain wrong. In both business and private life, small talk can mean the difference between winning someone over and scaring them off.
If your small-talk skills are lacking, try to prepare for the inevitable questions you’ll get asked. Common questions include “Where are you from?” or “What do you do?” Instead of giving drab, abrupt, and uninviting answers like “London” and “Marketing,” be prepared to elaborate. Keep the conversation flowing by leading into an interesting fact or anecdote that opens the door for another topic.
For example, if you’re from Washington, DC, you could mention that it was designed by the same city planner who laid the plans for Paris, which could spark further conversation about traveling.
Another winning tip is to focus on being a good listener and knowing how to keep your partner talking. One of the best ways to make people think you’re a great conversationalist is to say very little and keep the spotlight on your partner. By keeping a person talking, you can lead them to all manner of interesting revelations.
An easy way to win conversational kudos is to know who in the group has a great story and then give that person a proper introduction. This not only provides the group with entertainment but also makes the person with the story appreciate the opportunity to shine.
Just make sure the story is appropriate and wasn’t told in confidentiality; otherwise, this tactic could backfire awkwardly.
Whenever you talk, avoid saying things that will make you look bad. When people are getting to know each other better, they often feel the impulse to confess something personal or reveal a weakness. This is a mistake. Unless the person is already thoroughly impressed by you, revealing a secret will likely just make them wonder what else you’re hiding.
Key idea 4: Build rapport through imitating, empathizing, and acting like a close friend.
Here’s a fact of human nature that can be helpful to keep in mind: people tend to like those with whom they have traits in common. This is something you can use to your advantage by highlighting the commonalities you have with the person you’re trying to flatter.
As the saying goes, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery – so use this to get along with others. Reflect a person’s movements, language, and interests. For example, if someone says they work for an ad agency, notice that they didn’t call it a company or a firm, and do likewise yourself.
You can take this a step further by using words that relate to their interests. If they’re into baseball, you could help them hit a “home run,” and if boating is their thing, you could welcome them as part of the “crew.”
Another way to build rapport is to drop the “ums” and use empathizers instead. When we talk, we tend to subconsciously reply with monosyllabic mumblings like “huh,” “yep,” or “um.” But to make a good impression, use full sentences that show your partner you’re truly listening, like, “That was the right thing to do,” or, “I see why you did that.” This will help your partner see that you really understand them.
Another top-notch rapport booster is to use two powerful words: “we” and “us.” People tend to use these words only when speaking of their closest friends and partners. By using these words around someone you want to bring into your inner circle, you’ll speed up the friendship-forming process.
Finally, learn to cultivate in-jokes. They are a cornerstone of any close relationship. If you want to quickly form a bond, remember when funny remarks and shared laughs occur, and cleverly bring them up again later on. Suddenly, you’ll have a memorable, shared history between the two of you!
Key idea 5: Be delicate, sparing, and immediate with your praise.
Praise is a good thing, right? It is in theory, but in practice, it can backfire if the recipient thinks you’re being insincere. Therefore, it’s wise to give praise indirectly. One way of doing this is to pass along any nice words via a mutual acquaintance. By having a third party deliver the good news, both the recipient and the messenger will come away feeling great.
If you’re the one directly giving a compliment, avoid being too obvious about it. Instead, you could include it in a casual remark. For instance, you could ask someone “How are you?” and then briefly glance at them before continuing, “You’ve obviously been well.”
Or you can subtly imply that you respect the other person by asking them for a restaurant recommendation, showing you admire their good taste.
If you feel the need to be more direct, remember that a little praise goes a long way. Everyone feels they do good work that goes largely unnoticed. By simply telling someone that they did a good job, you’ll make their day!
Immediate praise can be especially good when someone’s just given a presentation, as public speaking is tough for most people. Even if you’re stretching the truth, your colleague will appreciate it if you tell them they did a good job right away.
For those nearest and dearest to you, don’t be afraid to go for the grand gesture. A loved one can always benefit from a show of great admiration. It can even be something as simple as recounting a particularly memorable, praiseworthy incident to your partner’s friends or colleagues.
The important thing to remember is to be appropriate with your praise. Publicly praising someone you’re not close to might come across as patronizing, while delivering a heartfelt, private compliment will make the praise more genuine.
Key idea 6: Avoid common pitfalls that can easily turn people off.
If you’re the type of person who wants to be liked by all, you should know there are certain behaviors that turn people off.
First off, there’s body language. Your facial expressions and movements send out signals whether you realize it or not. So, you need to recognize what these signals are.
One major no-no is using too much eye contact. Maintaining eye contact can be a good thing, but it can also come across as aggressive. This is especially true for women, as men tend to interpret unbroken eye contact as a sign of sexual interest. It’s better to play it safe and not go beyond four seconds of uninterrupted eye contact.
Another body language rule to follow is to smile and nod whenever you spot the person you like across the room. This will make you seem friendly and approachable, which is much better than coming across as cold or uninterested.
When it comes to language, one of the worst things you can do is gossip. Gossiping is a form of backstabbing, and no one likes the thought of being next on the chopping block. Even when it seems safe to share a funny story about an absent friend, it’s always best to refrain. Otherwise, you risk alienating the person you’re talking to.
Lastly, don’t jump to conclusions. This is especially true in an argument or heated discussion. Try to let people finish their thoughts before voicing your opinion. This shows that you’re open to different perspectives and value other people’s viewpoints.
Key idea 7: Become the life of the party by being a great storyteller and keeping conversations fresh.
Everyone loves a good storyteller. Whether it’s a funny anecdote or a captivating tale, knowing how to tell a story can make you the life of the party.
The secret to good storytelling is to know your audience. If you’re talking to strangers, stick to stories that are short and engaging. If you’re among friends, you can take your time and weave a more detailed narrative.
To keep people engaged, pay attention to their reactions. If they seem bored or disinterested, wrap up your story quickly. If they’re laughing and asking questions, you’re on the right track!
Another way to keep conversations fresh is to avoid clichés. Instead of asking, “What do you do?” try something more creative like, “What’s the most interesting thing about your job?” This will open the door for a more engaging conversation.
Lastly, don’t be afraid to show a little vulnerability. Sharing a personal story or admitting a mistake can make you more relatable and endearing. Just be careful not to overshare or make the conversation all about you.
By following these tips, you’ll become a master of communication and the life of any gathering. Happy talking!
Final summary
The key message in this book is:
Effective communication is crucial in both personal and professional life. By using techniques such as smiling genuinely, maintaining appropriate eye contact, making smooth introductions, and mastering the art of small talk, you can build rapport and create positive impressions. Additionally, avoiding common pitfalls and becoming a great storyteller can help you become a more engaging and likable person.
